some words

I Don't Always Have Much to Say

Sometimes I feel like I'm a very boring person. I spend most of my time working (or driving to work), and what little free time I have I don't usually get to spend doing anything exciting.

I have been getting to read a lot more lately, both blogs and books. I look at social media constantly, mostly Bluesky. I watch random things on YouTube regularly. But none of it really provides me with anything to say most of the time. My reactions to these things are generally, "Ah yes, that's neat. Next thing?" I'm not very inspired. I'm not even mad about things anymore, I just have a sense of boredom.

Part of this is on me. A lot of what I seek out is very samey content that I don't have to think very hard about. I don't want to think very hard about the stuff I'm doing to relax, I want to relax.

But it doesn't help me get inspired. I tend to think of myself as a creative person. I've always been into art and storytelling since I was a young child - I remember playing Barbies with my older sister and making up all kinds of fun stories for the different characters. To this day I'm trying to write a novel, trying to make my 5th album, working on various art projects including keeping a sketchbook, and of course working on this blog. But sometimes I just feel like I don't have anything to say.

I think this is similar to when I felt sad after my birthday. It's just a natural cycle of how my brain works, and I have to deal with it by letting it happen and waiting for the metaphorical sun to shine again. But that's so hard. I'm a patient person, except with myself. I expect myself to be over things quickly even though that's not realistic. I hold myself to these high standards like I should always be able to do anything I want to, but that's not how life works. Especially for a bipolar brain.

I need to allow myself to slow down and enjoy things that are vapid and shallow. I need to wait patiently for this time to pass, and have faith that I will have things to say again.

And maybe I need to say a bunch of words about having nothing to say.