Work Worries
Lately I feel a lot like I’m doing the wrong thing, even if I’m not. I find myself having to consciously tell myself, “You’re safe. Nobody is mad at you. You’re not in trouble. Everything is okay.” And this happens at random times, like when I’m at work. I’ll be sitting there plucking gummies and dusting them in sugar and my brain will be trying to escape from my body. A lot of the time when this happens, I’ll excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I am a little worried that my bosses may privately think I go to the bathroom too much, but it’s the only solution I have for this feeling. (And, I do generally try to wait as long as I can until I genuinely need to use the bathroom.)
I believe this anxiety-like feeling is a result of PTSD. Because I developed CPTSD as a child from over a decade of abuse, it’s easier for my brain to store adverse events as traumatic, because that’s what it got used to while I was growing up. I had a very bad experience with a previous job, and ever since then working at all has been very stressful for me. Even jobs I found easy at first became difficult, especially as the stress was affecting my immune system and I became sick more and more often - which affected how my bosses viewed my performance. This resulted in a suicidal episode while I was working, an overnight stay in the ER, and almost a month of daily group therapy. While this intensive therapy was very helpful and healing, this event gave me serious concern about the kinds of jobs I should engage in.
I have finally found a job that is, in almost all ways, basically perfect for me. It’s a very easy job. I get to sit almost the whole time, although I can stand if I want to. They pay me well. I get a discount on weed, because it’s a dispensary. The only real downside is that it’s a 40 minute drive, which is slightly longer than I’d like - but I don’t have to drive for the job at all. I’m in that location until I go home. (I’ve been adversarial with driving since my suicidal episode, although I do like that the drive is long enough for my brain to completely transition out of work mode.)
But my body, my brain, my nervous system doesn’t understand yet that this job is a good job. It still thinks we’re in danger at work. It still thinks, “What if we get in trouble? What if we get yelled at? What if we fuck up badly?” Despite the probability of all of these things being very low, even combined. My job is easy enough that to do it wrong I would need to be doing it on purpose, and I don’t have the desire to do it wrong on purpose so that is virtually impossible unless there’s something wrong with me. (I do always worry that something will suddenly be so wrong with me that it will ruin my life in all ways including work - but that’s just my background radiation paranoia.)
The only things that have really helped have been taking it slowly, reassuring myself, and trying to distract myself from the feelings. (I work with several other people and we frequently talk while we work, which makes distracting myself easier, but I also try to think about specific things that make me feel good, like whatever I’m reading at the moment.) I feel like I will get better at this over time especially if I keep employing these tactics, I just need to be patient with myself and let myself adjust. It’s only my second week of this job. I’m still getting used to the schedule and the work and the way it’s done. It’s natural for there to be some hiccups, especially with my mental profile, so I just need to work on being gentle with myself and giving myself time.